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is this you ?

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is this you ?

Post  little red on Sat Sep 26, 2009 9:53 pm

Every single one of these is me !! came as quite a shock. Is this something which you found on the internet? I found it interesting, my mother was none of these (mentally) ill, aloof, cold, non-caring, or even cruel) yet I never felt I had a mother like my friends. I felt alone and alien, I cant even have a conversation with her. I dont know why its just the way it has always been. I often felt furstrated by her and wondered what it would be like to have a mother which I felt I bonded with


It is very difficult to heal yourself with this condition. Get help! Besides the traditional therapies, there are many wonderful, often short-term, not financially draining alternative therapies, like Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), TAT, Energy Healing, Emotrance, or Zensight and Z-point
.

I havent heard of any of these I am interested in reading up on these and considering whether they could help me in any way.

Thankyou for posting this
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Re: is this you ?

Post  little red on Sat Sep 26, 2009 9:58 pm

I am not sure why but it wont let me reply to shadows post Is this you ?

Not sure why but it has posted my reply as a seperate thread as there was no reply option on the post [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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Re: is this you ?

Post  Guest on Sun Sep 27, 2009 6:59 am

That has probably happened because the 'is this you' post i had posted is locked.

you said

my mother was none of these (mentally) ill, aloof, cold, non-caring, or even cruel)

what are the words you would use to discribe your mother?

P.s I dont know about the therapies mentioned at the bottom of the article but they do seem to be helping some people; maybe not with deep rooted pain but... they can certaily be part of recovery.
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Re: is this you ?

Post  little red on Sun Sep 27, 2009 1:07 pm

That has probably happened because the 'is this you' post i had posted is locked.


Oh right sorry I didnt realise




you said


my mother was none of these (mentally) ill, aloof, cold, non-caring, or even cruel)


what are the words you would use to discribe your mother?

This is a difficult question I dont know what words I would use to describe her

Stranger

Aloof - I would never have thought to associate this with my mother however after checking some definitions (below)

adjective [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], unsympathetic, [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] << OPPOSITE [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

I think it describes many words I would use to describer her if I was being honest. Its hard to admit this as I know she is not like this really I know she cares really but is unable to show it. I would never say this to her as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I feel like my mam is a stranger to me I use the word mam but it has no meaning to me. As a child who wanted a "mother" I felt she was distant, cold, reserved, detached, unfriendly, unsympathetic, uncaring, uninterested, unapproachable and unresponsive.

I dont believe this was ever her intention however this is she came across, I think so much time was spent trying to shield and hide us from things she didnt know how to react so all of the above were her way of coping. Maybe there is a word for a mam who has a annoying thing in her life who is a pain.




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Re: is this you ?

Post  little red on Tue Sep 29, 2009 12:54 am

This has been on my mind so much, I cant sleep I feel so guilty for even thinking of words to describe my mother after she called me from holiday yesterday I have been thinking about it ever since. I want to say I am sorry for even considering it is my mother that was aloof!, of course this is a response to my actions so no bloody wonder !! I wouldnt tell her this but I did feel very guilt after her call... damn me .... I make it so difficult for her

I have come to the realisation that it is I who is all of these I am mentally ill, cold and aloof. So if I am these then this may be the cause.

I dont intend to but I realise that I am

Aloof - distant, cold, reserved, cool, formal, remote, forbidding, detached, indifferent, chilly, unfriendly, unsympathetic, uninterested, haughty, unresponsive, supercilious, unapproachable, unsociable, standoffish << OPPOSITE friendly

I had a hard time figuring this out but I think I could be described as aloof. I am distant, cold, reserved, remote, detached, indifferent, unresposive, unapproachable, unsociable and standoffish towards my mother. I must be aloof I dont like this realisation and wonder how I can change this
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Re: is this you ?

Post  lilbird on Tue Sep 29, 2009 2:35 am

(((little red)))
I had a hard time figuring
this out but I think I could be described as aloof. I am distant, cold,
reserved, remote, detached, indifferent, unresposive, unapproachable,
unsociable and standoffish towards my mother. I must be aloof [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I dont like this realisation and wonder how I can change this
If you figure this out before me please let me know. I feel that I am the same, very painful realization to make.
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Re: is this you ?

Post  Guest on Tue Sep 29, 2009 5:32 am

Sounds like your mother, although she never wanted to cause intentional harm, could not give you what you needed as a child? Or at least a big part of what you needed?
For a child to look into the parents eyes and not find herself reflected in that mirror [mothers eyes] can be one onf the most damaging experiences a child can grow up with. Or to look in motheers eyes and see 'nothingness'
I think there used to be an eperiement with monkey babies.... or even real babies!!! where they got nothing more than food and drink. No psychological care and nurturance, The babies and monekies died eventually.

What do you think or feel you saw in your mothers eyes and when you looked at her as a child?

You said

I think so much time was spent trying to shield and hide us from things
Can you say more? What were those things?
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Re: is this you ?

Post  Guest on Tue Sep 29, 2009 5:42 am

I had a hard time figuring
this out but I think I could be described as aloof. I am distant, cold,
reserved, remote, detached, indifferent, unresposive, unapproachable,
unsociable and standoffish towards my mother. I must be aloof

Thing is... we all internalise what we grow up with. Some call it our Darkside but... the 'negative' behaviour of our parents does get internalised somehow I think. In therapy one can work with the darkness... to bring it into awareness, to then work with it and hopefully make it 'softer' and more managable for us to live with.
It is not something to be ashamed of but rather, something to 'honour' [lack of a better word]
There is a reason why you had to internalise different parts you grew up with. Its all grist for the mill.
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Re: is this you ?

Post  sky on Tue Sep 29, 2009 6:18 am

It sounds like the legacy of being brough up in an alcoholic co dependant family to me. We have to develop ways of being in order to survive. It's not your fault.

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Our lives are like the course of the sun. At the darkest moment there is the promise of daylight.
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Re: is this you ?

Post  little red on Tue Sep 29, 2009 7:11 am

Thankyou Shadow and Sky

It is sounding this way that maybe she couldnt give me what I needed as a child but also this angers me very much for thinking this. I dont believe I should have needed anything! maybe I did or maybe I didnt I dont know. Thinking back now when I see mothers and children who have a strong bond it makes me want to cry with happiness for them also sadness that I didnt have that. This realisation is not something I like as it could mean that I felt I was missing something which is very selfish of me.

The experiment sounds very interesting shadow I will read up on that online sometime, I do see "nothingness" when I look into her eyes although I never get close enough to do so and I know there is something more there. I see shame and fear also yet I dont know why? times I see anger and disappointment

I think so much time was spent trying to shield and hide us from things
Can you say more? What were those things?.

I think she tried to shield us from everything that went on around us for example times when my dad caused so much grief, when he had his accident and nearly died, when he had rages, my dads bullying, when my grandma died, when my sister became a thief, a manipulative bully, my signs of trouble with food, depression. All of these made her become more aloof as a way of protecting us I think. She still does this now she cant deal with things so ignorance and silence makes them go away for her.

I could deal with much of this coldness but I think the biggest realisation I had was that I was nothing was when my grandma died, witnissing this was not important enough to be spoken about, this didnt matter she didnt matter, I didnt matter. In my eyes this equalled nothing... I am nothing... the world is nothing... no one can be trusted.... leading to me becoming "aloof" myself maybe

[quote]Thing is... we all internalise what we grow up with. Some call it our Darkside but... the 'negative' behaviour of our parents does get internalised somehow I think. In therapy one can work with the darkness... to bring it into awareness, to then work with it and hopefully make it 'softer' and more managable for us to live with.
It is not something to be ashamed of but rather, something to 'honour' [lack of a better word]
quote]

I hope so I would like to work with this darkness, realising I could be aloof is something I dont like and would like to soften and manage better

[quote]It sounds like the legacy of being brough up in an alcoholic co dependant family to me. We have to develop ways of being in order to survive. It's not your fault.

I wish I could believe that but thankyou for saying it isnt my fault
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Re: is this you ?

Post  little red on Tue Sep 29, 2009 7:13 am

Thankyou bird I will definitely let you know if I find this out
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Re: is this you ?

Post  Guest on Tue Sep 29, 2009 8:41 am

There is a good book on this forum called the ACoA handbook or something like that. In the adult children section.
Growing up with alcoholism and its side affects is very complicated and damaging. It is not just about one person. For example, the drinker, or the rescuer or the enabler etc... it is about the whole family dynamics. And each role that has been 'give' to each family member. Conciously or unconsciusly.
Once you start opening your mind to the possibilty that addiction had a huge impact on your life growing up you will find that many things will fall into place; but still be very painful.
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Re: is this you ?

Post  little red on Tue Sep 29, 2009 4:38 pm

Thankyou shadow I will take a look at that, its quite difficult because i dont see my father as an alcoholic ...........he has anger issues which are triggered by drink and also drugs very bad at times but it has settled he takes no drugs now. Depression, insecurity and his childish, obsessive, controlling nature contributed I never seen alcohol as a main issue. He had many issues I think. Addiction I never thought of but possibly he was I dont know ... I will have a read and try and open my mind to some possibilities

My family dynamics arent normal I know that so something along the line has complicated and damaged the dynamics. Consciously or unconsciously I am unsure I hope some things begin falling in place.
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Re: is this you ?

Post  Guest on Tue Sep 29, 2009 8:17 pm

Its ok not to take a look or to even say "I dont care much whether its because of dads drinking or not" or similar. You will get there in your own time. Right now you are where you are supposed to be
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Re: is this you ?

Post  little red on Tue Sep 29, 2009 9:19 pm

Thank you Shadow [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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